Derailed

Sometimes we get "derailed". We fall off track, loose our course and just have moments of pure awakening. My most recent one started at my annual Gyne appt. Everything was good, I was healthy, just coming in to do what I'm suppose too, not having any problems.
Ernie ( the best GYNE on the planet, I literally love him) looks at me with a little concern DURING my exam... he says " your uterus is pretty large" and I wait for more and he doesn't say anything.
He pushes the nurse call button, nurse comes in, the whisper, she fumbles through the drawers and he says, " we are going to do your pap now and take a little sample"

When the exam is all done, I sit up, he comes and stands beside me and puts his hand on my back and says,
" Now, your uterus could just be bigger than normal and that's OK. You have had three very healthy babies and it may not have contracted all the way down like normal the last time, but you also know we haven't seen you in three years so it maybe something else. I did your regular pap and took some tissue samples and now I want you to go get some blood work done. If its nothing, then its nothing, but I can't let you leave here and not know that you are 100%"

And I tear a little, not cause I am afraid, but because he is an amazing doctor who actually cares. He could have easily dismissed it and sent me packing with no samples no blood work. I've seen and heard of many doctors that have that " I'm sure its fine" attitude... and that's NOT what saves lives.

So that was a Monday... but Wednesday I knew I had something going on. He wasn't for sure because the sample he took was only a small 'sample" and not a true biopsy but it read enough to say I needed a full biopsy. And of course my period starts, so we can't do anything till that passes. So I go through the entire Memorial Day weekend with this stress hanging over me... not sure what to say or who to talk to because everyone has questions and right now I have no answers.... And I'm not saying the "C" word till I know for sure that's what we are talking about.

Thankfully it stopped on Memorial Day, so I was in that Wednesday to get the biopsy, and boy was that fun... NOT. No numbing, no sedation, nothing, just "hold tight and I'll be as quick as I can" legs up in the stirrups, paper sheet on your lap, large instruments on the tray.... " HOLD TIGHT" doesn't see near accurate enough.

It took two days, and it was back... and it was the C word....

God really does love everyone ... I promise

So, a few weeks ago I had a conversation with a 14 year old girl who openly said she was an atheist. Something in my heart just wouldn't let her go without questioning her.

Why are you an atheist? --- it literally just spilled out, at a softball game, sitting in the grass talking to a group of young girls and when I did they all looked at me like I was crazy, except my daughter, she almost looked relieved that I asked.

" Because God does not love Lesbians" she said.

I couldn't leave it, I couldn't just say , oh OK..... I kept going.

"Well if that's the only reason then your not an Atheist cause the God I know loves every person. If you believe in God he believes in you and that's all you need."

She just looked at me.... but I knew there was more.

"Why do you think you are a lesbian? Are you at 14 attracted to girls? " man I was pushing it, but I needed to know what was going on.
She blushed a little and it started.... the excuses...
" I like to play sports, I hate to dress like girls do, I like to be rough and fight, I'm not gentle, I hate makeup and doing my hair, I actually just cut this off and I really don't like boys in the way a girl should."

" You are a child sweetie, You are 14. If you are not sexually attracted to a girl your probably not gay... and if your not attracted to boys, well that just means your not mature or ready for that step in life. You are 14... you are describing ME as a child, I was a tom boy, I didn't like boys when I was younger... its all normal to be and feel this way.. don't label yourself one way or the other just because of what people say about you... you are putting to much stereotype and pressure on yourself. Keep being you, and doing what you want to do.... when you are older all these things will come to the front, and if you end up being gay , then so be it, but don't label yourself so early in life.

And remember, whatever you decide to be, God will love you regardless .

Don't be embarrassed.... better to be honest and get the help

I have a cousin..... I know we all do.
Let's just say.... she chooses to live the way she lives...
Its different every time I hear from her. Smoking Pot, found Jesus, going to Jail, found Jesus, stealing, found Jesus, lost her kids, found Jesus..... every time something goes seriously bad she starts posting things or saying things about " Only God will judge me" or " God will take care of me"

Not that I don't believe what she says... I just never thought she really understood what she was saying, posting or putting out there.....

So one day I challenged her. She attempted to quote Psalm 27:11 " teach me your way, O Lord and lead me in a smooth path"

She posted - Psalm 27:11  " Teach me how to get right and get a job Lord"

So I called her out.... and quoted the verse correctly.. and she came back with, well whatever its the same. I told her she shouldn't actually make it seem  like she is quoting the Good Book if she doesn't know the whole verse, I mean look it up and type it word for word.

Then I asked the Question.... " Have you ever read the Bible? "

Her response was something I hear quite often when this is brought up, I listen at church when I go but no I haven't read it, to tell ya the truth I don't understand anything I read.
I asked her what kind of Bible she had, it was a King James version her current boyfriend got at a shelter give away. While a Bible is a Bible, and the moral of the stories are the same, some people can't follow a King James, I know its difficult for me, that's why I gave up trying to read one years ago!

I know her history, I know she struggled in school and barely graduated high school. I knew there wasn't an adult Bible I could offer her that she could learn from. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't want to insult or offend her..... SO I asked Him, what should I do.

I offered her my 8 year old's Children s Bible, I explained it has a lot of stories, pictures and it is very easy reading and it would be easy for her to understand. I told her I was not trying be rude or demean her, but it was the only place I knew to start, if it was "too" easy, we could go to Caitlyn's Teen Bible and go from there.

She was thrilled to try it! She was embarrassed a little, but when I assured her she could read it at home and then refer to the other Bible during her church services, a light bulb went off.  It was making sense, no one had to know she wasn't understanding what they were asking her to read, she could write down the verses they wanted her to study at home and look them up in this Bible.

It was about two weeks later..... and I read a post that went like this....


 I have been a sinner my whole life. I have cheated, lied, stolen things, lived off the system, and a bunch of other things. I didn't know who God was, I didn't know what He had done for me or what I was suppose to do to show my belief and love for Him. I simply didn't know. I still have a lot to learn but I know that from today forward, I will do my best to live by this book and the Commandments he has set forth for Christian's to follow. I am not perfect and I don't have to be, but I will try with all my heart to do it right and if I fall, He will lift me up and we will try it again.



She now has a job and is working to get her children back.....

Reading the Bible.... do you understand it?

Have you read the Bible? The whole thing?
Do you understand it? ALL of it?

I have read it... I don't understand it all, which is why I read it over and over. I by no means have it memorized at any spot. I like to read it.. certain spots more than others, but I like it.
My favorite is Genesis... I can't get past it. I could read it over and over. Sometimes I would rather go back and read it again instead of continue... and I DO!

I have my whole life to read this book... its the only book I choose to read over and over. Usually I can not read a book more than once. I remember the story, I start to read it and remember the rest of the story and stop reading it. Not this book.... its more like history to me. Its learning my history and the true beginning. Every time I read it I remember more, more becomes clear and I get more ideas and clarity.

Someday I will be able to quote the Good Book, someday I will have a time in my life where I can stop and refer back to a place and time in the book where guidance and advice is given and reflect on my current situation and let it help me.

For now, I will enjoy the education and enlightenment I am getting now from the reading and learning. Everyday, I use what I have learned, everyday I reflect and think , what would He want me to do about this? And as my pastor says, I'm still just a "baby christian"

If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered....

Proverbs 21;13

I am a visual person, inside and out. I wish an HDMI cord could plug into my brain and you could see how I see, the movie reels that play every time I hear words, phrases and people talking. I create a movie in there... scenarios if you will, its like my example of what I think its like or should be like.

When I was in church Sunday, this was read. The people in the Sunday school were talking about things like Rockefeller and Ford, making money and being big business working with low wage workers. That makes sense, right? Making millions off the poor? Not sharing the profits of their work equally ? Yep I get it!

But do you know what came to my mind?
A homeless person sitting outside the McDonald's near where I work holding a sign asking for money for food. I sit in McDonald's and watch countless people drive by him, ignoring him, looking the other way, not even offering him a smile or look of kindness, or FOOD. I couldn't believe people flying through the drive through didn't offer him food, they could see him the entire time they were in the line, order an extra $1 burger..... something folks. Then, much to my glee, a biker and his lady parked, talked to the man, came into McDonald's and placed an order, then took everything they ordered out to the man. Not only did they feed him, they sat with him while he ate and talked to him. They shook hands, they got on their bike and left, shortly after the man put his sign away and pulled a book out of his bag and started reading.

He didn't want anything but food in his belly. He wasn't looking for money for alcohol, he wasn't looking for drugs... he wanted food. A simple, poor man looking for food. I know not all homeless people begging for money want food... I am not naive. But like all the people that passed him assuming he was just another drunk or drug addict, he showed them, not everyone is the same. Just like all the homeless people are not the same, not all looking to take money for the wrong reasons, so are the people in the drive thru.
How many of those people passing that man claimed to be a good God serving Christian?
How many of those people go to church every Sunday and pray to the Good Lord and read the good book?
What if the homeless many was Jesus himself?
Look at all those Christian's who drove by him, ignoring him, giving him shameful looks, and not offering help to their fellow man.
The poor are His people, he walked and taught with some of the most material poor people in the world. They didn't have anything, they were only rich in the word of Jesus and to them, that was the most priceless thing in the world.

I'm not saying give money to every person with a sign... Lord knows there are rich people out holding signs just to scam people of their money!! Have the conversation, offer them assistance, not more of a disability. Food and water are the simplest things that everyone needs and if you are driving a car anywhere, you can afford to give up a few bucks for a bottle of water and a hamburger.

Can you see yourself in those shoes?
See yourself passing that man day after day, in your Mercedes, going between business meetings, scowling at the man, saying in your head " he needs a bath and a job" flying by everyday as you eat your hot take out and drink your latte. Then three years later, you find yourself at that same spot. The market crashed, your job is gone, you have to sell your prefect car, your home and everything you own and now its YOU sitting at that McDonalds, hoping someone would give you a few quarters to buy some food. Out of no where, here comes the guy, walking up to where you are sitting, in his dirty clothes, with his backpack and his sign. He sits a few feet from you, holding his sign and not saying a word. After about an hour during the lunchtime rush, no one talks to either of you. You finally break down and ask him " How do you do this every day? I used to be one of these people that drive by you and not give you a look or a penny. How do you sit here everyday and be shamed in front of these people day in and day out just for a burger?"

" I am not ashamed of who I am, I gave up my life for this country in the war and when I came back, nothing was the same. I feel normal being out here. I have traveled the country and have seen kindness and goodness in people everywhere but here. I am where God wants me to be. I sit here and wait for people to talk to me, to teach them compassion, to teach them the good word. I don't need these burgers to live, I can keep myself alive without. I sit here because God wants me to be here when these people decide to listen to Him and come to me"

To church or not to church?

I go to church.
I haven't always gone to church.

When I was a child, my parents didn't go to church. I only got to go church with my best friend and her family, or my grandma taking me to all the VBS programs at all the different churches in town. I knew who Jesus was, I knew the stories but I didn't go to church regularly. I remember as a child, sitting in the hospital ( A Catholic Hospital none the less) and in the waiting room was bible story books. I loved to read them. I knew them. I prayed, not everyday, but often... at bedtime I spoke to Jesus, when I was given a choice, I always asked what should I do, and I got an answer.

When I was older, friends who challenged my belief would tell me it was my conscious, my common sense... nothing spiritual. While I couldn't disagree that I simply used good judgement often, I knew there was someone else watching over me.

I married a Catholic... who thought just because he was raised Catholic, he had to be Catholic. He didn't behave like a Catholic ( or so I observed) or even a "religious person" but he couldn't go to a Christian church because he was always told it was against God to change. We struggled with this for the first 15 years of our marriage. I didn't NEED to go to church, I didn't need to sit in the pews and listen to a sermon, but I enjoyed reading the bible, watching Christian movies, Christian music and living according to the Good Book and the commandments set before all man.
He on the other hand, did not seek to put the effort into living the same way. Not that he was ( or is) a bad person, he just was used to the way he had been living and as we all know, change is hard to do. He enjoyed drinking, sometimes a lot, going to bars, "partying" and such.  I had never been into a bar, never drank alcohol or had the desire to ever be drunk. It was my 30th birthday before I went to a club/bar!! While it was fun to hang out with my friends, have a few drinks and dance, it was not something I desired to do on a weekly or daily basis as most of them did.

Someone who went to church everyday of his life living at home with his parents, lived like this. I someone who rarely went to church, definitely not as "trained" as he was, lived like I thought the "perfect" Christian's lived. It was so odd to me, someone so 'trained' was so far away from God.

I hear at church that all Good Christians need church, Need to worship "corporately" as well as at home, live the life, walk like God would want you to and show the world this life isn't fake, its how you really are.

Well.... I really don't church is required to be a Good Christian. I think some people NEED to go to church, to keep them grounded and in the word of God. Some people NEED to be reminded of the word and the stories and the morals. I don't think everyone needs to be in church every week to be a good Christian. It takes more than showing up to be a good Christian. People can show up every week, for years, and leave the church and act like the total opposite of who they say they want to be.

I could NOT go to church for years and still believe and live in the footprints of God. I would still read my bible, I would still learn and witness, I would still believe and minister to those who need me. I don't think my husband could. He needs that weekly, bring me back. He needs to hear the in sites of others and points of view to the good book.

I think church is an awesome time to worship with other Christians and reflect on worldly problems, seek and get support from other Christians. Church is a great thing!
I don't think its required to be a good Christian, but I think it is something we should all do!!

Everyone has a different gift

I've been praying and thinking alot about my previous posts and about my dilemma  and I have come to the conclusion that we are not all equal.

It's not a bad thing... its actually quite a relief.

Some people are meant to go out and be doctors, lawyers, president etc... while others are meant to be farmers, grocery store clerks, nuns, receptionists etc... ALL important in their own world, but so completely different in so many aspects.

So some people are meant to go door to door and "recruit" new followers of Jesus! Some are good at it! Those people that can talk to anyone for hours about nothing or something pretty important! There are people out there like that and I know a few.. but I am not one of them.

I think God has us all strategically placed all over the world to do his work at different paces, different venues and for different audiences. Mine is not door to door, mine is not approaching people and starting the conversation... that's not me. Now that I have realized this I feel so much better about myself and my job as a Christian. I was doubting who I was and what I was really being asked to do, knowing I couldn't live up to being "that person", wondering if the spiritual journey I was already on was going to be enough for Him...

And I realized it is. I am doing what I know is right. I speak to people on my terms, when the opportunity shows itself, I am not pushing, I am not feeling myself that I am overwhelming someone. Its pretty amazing feeling now that I have come to the realization that I am a servant of God. I do what He intended me to do and when He intends me to do it. I was put in the job I am in to meet people where they are, sometimes in their weakest, most horrible moments, to be there to offer God's Grace, forgiveness and most of all caring heart. I do that, and I can do that.

Volunteering in a Mission Outreach, sorting through medical supplies to go overseas to help out all over the world, that's God's work.
Holding a dying baby, comforting the parents and praying for the child to have a safe trip back to heaven, that's God's work.
Casting a broken bone, comforting a child and making them feel better, once again, God's work.
They can see Him in me.

It humbles me to see and hear people ask others to pray with them, to ask questions about God and be able to answer or offer some insight.... its pretty amazing.