Derailed

Sometimes we get "derailed". We fall off track, loose our course and just have moments of pure awakening. My most recent one started at my annual Gyne appt. Everything was good, I was healthy, just coming in to do what I'm suppose too, not having any problems.
Ernie ( the best GYNE on the planet, I literally love him) looks at me with a little concern DURING my exam... he says " your uterus is pretty large" and I wait for more and he doesn't say anything.
He pushes the nurse call button, nurse comes in, the whisper, she fumbles through the drawers and he says, " we are going to do your pap now and take a little sample"

When the exam is all done, I sit up, he comes and stands beside me and puts his hand on my back and says,
" Now, your uterus could just be bigger than normal and that's OK. You have had three very healthy babies and it may not have contracted all the way down like normal the last time, but you also know we haven't seen you in three years so it maybe something else. I did your regular pap and took some tissue samples and now I want you to go get some blood work done. If its nothing, then its nothing, but I can't let you leave here and not know that you are 100%"

And I tear a little, not cause I am afraid, but because he is an amazing doctor who actually cares. He could have easily dismissed it and sent me packing with no samples no blood work. I've seen and heard of many doctors that have that " I'm sure its fine" attitude... and that's NOT what saves lives.

So that was a Monday... but Wednesday I knew I had something going on. He wasn't for sure because the sample he took was only a small 'sample" and not a true biopsy but it read enough to say I needed a full biopsy. And of course my period starts, so we can't do anything till that passes. So I go through the entire Memorial Day weekend with this stress hanging over me... not sure what to say or who to talk to because everyone has questions and right now I have no answers.... And I'm not saying the "C" word till I know for sure that's what we are talking about.

Thankfully it stopped on Memorial Day, so I was in that Wednesday to get the biopsy, and boy was that fun... NOT. No numbing, no sedation, nothing, just "hold tight and I'll be as quick as I can" legs up in the stirrups, paper sheet on your lap, large instruments on the tray.... " HOLD TIGHT" doesn't see near accurate enough.

It took two days, and it was back... and it was the C word....